Now, the first symptom you may notice is most likely the drowsiness. Because of the energy required, the majority of your body’s calories will be going straight to your new baby. This is nothing to worry about and to make sure everything is hunkie-dorie you will be supplied with a high-calorie sludge that’s sure to tickle your taste-buds!

The second thing you may notice may be an increase in dreams, especially extremely lucid ones. Visions of far off alien worlds and horrible creatures are not uncommon and can in fact be quite fun! It’s like going on a vacation, but without having to leave the comfort of your pod!

The third thing you will definitely notice is the gigantic bulge underneath your skin in your abdomen area. This is due to the extreme growth of the gestating organism living inside you. Again, this is completely normal and is nothing at all to worry about. And don’t worry, the pain will only last for a few days. Followed by an even more excruciating pain. That pain will thankfully stop a fews days later when it eats its way upwards and expunges itself from the top of your head.

You will have plenty of time to get acquainted sharing your body with your new offspring (I say ‘your offspring’, but well, we both know its not completely yours ) , and during this extended period of semi-catatonics you will have time to do a lot of thinking. It’s best if you try not to think about “How did this happen?” or “Why me?” or “What this terrible thing is growing inside me oh god it feels like my insides are on fire,” and instead just focus on the wonderful future in store for your bouncing baby boy (it literally bounces…what an amazing discovery!). Rest assured that in your absence, your offspring will receive nothing but the best of care from an entire team of scientists and technicians.

So again, congratulations and thank you for doing your part to ensure the well being of the future of the human race!

Visioneers (2008)

Director: Jared Drake
Writer: Brandon Drake

Starring:
Zach Galifianakis
Judy Greer

Trailer Opening Scene

Imagine a time not too far off from our own, in a world not completely unlike our own. Imagine the 1999 classic Office Space and compare it with your current reality. Imagine 1985′s Brazil existing in the same time line a century into the future. Move forward in this seemingly familiar world; not too far, but just far enough to make things just barely uncomfortable, like the first few seconds right before you realize that is your grandmother.

This is the closest I can come to describing the setting, atmosphere and mood of Visioneers. Starring Zach Gallifanskaufasssss, which most may know from the summer romp The Hangover or his half-million comedy central stand up shows with Dave Attell and Patton Oswalt, as a lowly Level Three TUNT working for the Jeffers Corporation. His wife is played by the ever-gorgeous in that nerdy-and-funny-way Judy Greer who you may recognize as Kitty from “Arrested Development”.

I’m going to try and not go much into actual plot in these little writeups, but instead I’m going to try and convey the important aspects of the movie that I enjoy and that I think will give a good indication as to why you should watch this movie. In a list form. Because everyone loves lists.

• In this totally plausible, yet just out of reach semi-dystopian future,  it turns out that people are spontaneously exploding all over the goddamned place from “stress”.
• On each office wall is a ticker counting down the remaining minutes of productivity left in the week. Each minute that passes is accompanied by a corresponding announcement that states the same.
• Funny words like “Tunt.”
• Sweet backyard pole vaulting action.
• Giant teddy bears and butter churning.

Available now via Netflix (Watch Instantly in HD) or pick up the DVD at your local Amazon.

I hope do do more of these Sci-fi Sleeper non-reviews in the future; I already have the next two or three films lined up. I’ll keep exploring the format until I get one that I think works at least half-entertainingly, so  look forward for the next one coming within this month.

• Flying cars allow the ability to cut people off on the y-axis
• People of the earth finally overcoming their differences and joining together to battle a peaceful (but pretentious!)  alien civilization
• The discovery of Martian pornography
• Miss Universe actually means Miss Universe (spoiler: the chick from Total Recal Wins)
• Being able to instantly transport matter form place to place
• Repopulating the human race after the abuse of matter transporters leaves 90% of the population as horribly disfigured mutant hybrids
• Finally being able to destroy that godamned sun…thinks he’s so tough…
• Whalers on the moon
• Turns out there’s a point in space like a giant mirror in which beyond lies our same very own existence but where the time goes backwards starting from when we first discovered it. Also thinking our reflection was another battleship we accidentally destroy it erasing all of our history as well as future suspending all existence indefinitely in a state of perpetual nothingness from which the only escape is a radiation wave so large that the only thing that can cause it is the exploding of a sun exactly the size of our very own. As luck would have it at that very moment the radiation waves from our sun that we successfully destroyed years earlier just happened to reach this point in space the same instant the space mirror was destroyed which gave everyone the effect of nothing happening at all.
• Space bacon

Buy stock in motorcycle helmets now.

I have just finished five years of intensive research and all signs point to a dramatic increase in the consumption and usage of black motorcycle helmets in the very near future.

During this time I have managed to obtain inside access to certain classified information. This classified information tells me that within a short few years (by 20xx at the most) all government enforcement agencies will be employing black motorcycle helmets as part of their newest uniform changes. Joining the motorcycle helmets with be a completely leather garb consisting of a black leather trench coat, black leather pants and shin-high black leather boots. I am currently unsure if they plan to employ stun-batons or laser-pistols.

For some curious reason, the helmets are also apparently going to include “E-Z 2 Break” shatter-prone glass face shields. Although this does seem a bit counter-productive, I’m sure that Father no doubt has has a fantastic reason for including this technology formerly used in saloon windows.

These changes come as a part of a much wider governmental reform aimed to curb recent spikes in “dissent and the possibility of uprising.”

Hail Father.

Pro tip: Other items worth investing in include flaming spires, leather, holograms and the color black. Be careful though, get ready to quickly dump books, art, music, emotions, free thought and self-identity!

No matter how technologically advanced a society is, their holograms will always be imperfect, barely working pieces of shit.

This is the picture that every sci-fi movie paints: a culture that has made intergalactic time travel something the family can do for fun on a Sunday afternoon. That has created space stations and civilized planets across the galaxy. Is able to transport matter from place to place instantaneously and has befriended countless alien beings. Yet it is still unable to get a fucking video to look good. In the future, holograms are used for TVs, phones, decoys and so much other crap. They have become a linchpin of communication. Yet, every instance of one in the future still shows signs of 1950s era television. Many holograms can only display one color. Way to go. Most show heavy interference, scan lines and picture refreshes/breaks constantly pulsing through them. Congratulations. They seem to cut out randomly, never actually letting the viewer see the whole thing. Seriously.

I am willing to accept that in some futures, these terrible holograms make sense. Blade Runner is a perfect example. A technologically advanced, yet run-down, industrial, depressing world. Holograms in this movie should look shitty. It works. Star Wars however, no excuse. The Fifth Element? No. And so on. So why is it that every future has such terrible holograms?

Why has no support been given to hologram makers so distant ahead in time. Do the people really accept that sort of technology as the ‘as good as it can get right now so we might as well take it’ when they are riding around space on beams of light with their alien space-dogs guarding the precious space-cargo (space-hot-pants)? Maybe everyone was too busy mining Spaceridium and creating folds in space-time to try and improve the picture quality of a hologram so that it was comparable to that of something 500 years in the past?

This isn’t some sort of thing that’s burdened by the technology of the film crew at the time, like computers. Computers look shitty too, but they improve as current-world tech improves. But holograms are different. First, they haven’t improved at all. Second, to make a hologram colored, or not look like a giant turd, doesn’t require a more advanced Special FX. There’s no excuse that the technology to make a good looking hologram doesn’t exist.

Is it that all these film creators thought an element of imperfection would help settle our disbelief that all we are watching could really happen in the future? If that’s the case, was there some sort of secret society that all agreed the sacrifice would be the poor undeserving hologram? Why did every movie pick the hologram as the piece of tech that gets the shaft? And did they really think, “Hey, maybe if we make this floating video only one color, they will believe that you can fly 10000 light years in a few minutes to get some sort of laser weapon that melts people’s pants.”

And so a plea goes out.

Dear future,
…with your motorcycle-helmet wearing police force, your cityscapes sprouting fire, your weapons and vehicles of unimaginable power and energy, please, please, fix your holograms. If you have to, please use your time machine to go back when the hologram was first developed and slap the inventor in the eye and tell him to stop being lazy. If you have to, allow Xenu back out of his space-volcano to use the power of Thetans to create a correctly working hologram. Maybe you could even pool together some space-beer money from some of your friends and use it to advance the hologram out of the second-middle-ages era of technology. Thank you,

Looking forward to meeting you,

Doug Hogan