Life Lessons and Other Fun Facts

The following are some Life Lessons that I have started to prepare for when I procure a child and need to teach it the ways of the world:

• Highways are a place for important people only. If you see someone approaching you at a high rate of speed, be sure to move over onto the grass and off of the left four lanes (those are the fast lanes) so that they may get to their destination quickly and on time. Remember, your impedance affects those more important than you.
• You can gain much knowledge from informational films. Some documentaries I recommend include the survival and food preparation film Ravenous and the classic terraforming how-to Total Recal.
• If you tie a string around your finger, it’ll turn purple!
• That person behind you in line complaining heavily and publicly about having to wait is most likely stressed out from curing cancer all day.  Be polite and agree with their complaints that “this shit is taking forever,” because after all it’s not like they “have all fucking day for this.” After all, there’s still AIDS.
• You cannot, in fact, be kept cool by windmills.
• Although for years it was the plight of environmentalists and lazy, hypocritical hippies everywhere, it turns out that styrofoam is not only great for the earth but has on two separate occasions completely saved it from certain destruction.
• Money does grow on trees. It is called “Bacon.”

Tags: bacon, cannibals, important, life lessons, windmills