Now, the first symptom you may notice is most likely the drowsiness. Because of the energy required, the majority of your body’s calories will be going straight to your new baby. This is nothing to worry about and to make sure everything is hunkie-dorie you will be supplied with a high-calorie sludge that’s sure to tickle your taste-buds!

The second thing you may notice may be an increase in dreams, especially extremely lucid ones. Visions of far off alien worlds and horrible creatures are not uncommon and can in fact be quite fun! It’s like going on a vacation, but without having to leave the comfort of your pod!

The third thing you will definitely notice is the gigantic bulge underneath your skin in your abdomen area. This is due to the extreme growth of the gestating organism living inside you. Again, this is completely normal and is nothing at all to worry about. And don’t worry, the pain will only last for a few days. Followed by an even more excruciating pain. That pain will thankfully stop a fews days later when it eats its way upwards and expunges itself from the top of your head.

You will have plenty of time to get acquainted sharing your body with your new offspring (I say ‘your offspring’, but well, we both know its not completely yours ) , and during this extended period of semi-catatonics you will have time to do a lot of thinking. It’s best if you try not to think about “How did this happen?” or “Why me?” or “What this terrible thing is growing inside me oh god it feels like my insides are on fire,” and instead just focus on the wonderful future in store for your bouncing baby boy (it literally bounces…what an amazing discovery!). Rest assured that in your absence, your offspring will receive nothing but the best of care from an entire team of scientists and technicians.

So again, congratulations and thank you for doing your part to ensure the well being of the future of the human race!

...the blood bank!

However, this last frozen meal left me quite disappointed in the Baron. Now, I realize that no food item is ever going to look like it does on the box, but this is just ridiculous. Just look at this travesty:

Red Baron Box...mmm delicioso.

More like "The Red BARREN!!!"

No wonder the Red Baron is dead. If some pizza shit (pun #3 for those keeping track) like this was named after me I’d fill my plane with bees and fly it into the Eiffel Tower too!

Thanks Chris

16 games: $44.94

Avenge me! (My favorite shot by far)

Ok, that shot was pretty cool.

Should have looked behind you instead of shooting me.

What’s that in the distance?

That cold war era radiation does wonders for Heavy’s ego.

What’s the use of being 300 feet tall if you can’t dance.

Visioneers (2008)

Director: Jared Drake
Writer: Brandon Drake

Starring:
Zach Galifianakis
Judy Greer

Trailer Opening Scene

Imagine a time not too far off from our own, in a world not completely unlike our own. Imagine the 1999 classic Office Space and compare it with your current reality. Imagine 1985′s Brazil existing in the same time line a century into the future. Move forward in this seemingly familiar world; not too far, but just far enough to make things just barely uncomfortable, like the first few seconds right before you realize that is your grandmother.

This is the closest I can come to describing the setting, atmosphere and mood of Visioneers. Starring Zach Gallifanskaufasssss, which most may know from the summer romp The Hangover or his half-million comedy central stand up shows with Dave Attell and Patton Oswalt, as a lowly Level Three TUNT working for the Jeffers Corporation. His wife is played by the ever-gorgeous in that nerdy-and-funny-way Judy Greer who you may recognize as Kitty from “Arrested Development”.

I’m going to try and not go much into actual plot in these little writeups, but instead I’m going to try and convey the important aspects of the movie that I enjoy and that I think will give a good indication as to why you should watch this movie. In a list form. Because everyone loves lists.

• In this totally plausible, yet just out of reach semi-dystopian future,  it turns out that people are spontaneously exploding all over the goddamned place from “stress”.
• On each office wall is a ticker counting down the remaining minutes of productivity left in the week. Each minute that passes is accompanied by a corresponding announcement that states the same.
• Funny words like “Tunt.”
• Sweet backyard pole vaulting action.
• Giant teddy bears and butter churning.

Available now via Netflix (Watch Instantly in HD) or pick up the DVD at your local Amazon.

I hope do do more of these Sci-fi Sleeper non-reviews in the future; I already have the next two or three films lined up. I’ll keep exploring the format until I get one that I think works at least half-entertainingly, so  look forward for the next one coming within this month.

• Highways are a place for important people only. If you see someone approaching you at a high rate of speed, be sure to move over onto the grass and off of the left four lanes (those are the fast lanes) so that they may get to their destination quickly and on time. Remember, your impedance affects those more important than you.
• You can gain much knowledge from informational films. Some documentaries I recommend include the survival and food preparation film Ravenous and the classic terraforming how-to Total Recal.
• If you tie a string around your finger, it’ll turn purple!
• That person behind you in line complaining heavily and publicly about having to wait is most likely stressed out from curing cancer all day.  Be polite and agree with their complaints that “this shit is taking forever,” because after all it’s not like they “have all fucking day for this.” After all, there’s still AIDS.
• You cannot, in fact, be kept cool by windmills.
• Although for years it was the plight of environmentalists and lazy, hypocritical hippies everywhere, it turns out that styrofoam is not only great for the earth but has on two separate occasions completely saved it from certain destruction.
• Money does grow on trees. It is called “Bacon.”

I felt the bacon just rounded it off nicely…