It’s a Boy! or “So You’ve Become a Host to an Alien Lifeform”

First, let me say congratulations! It is truly an honor to carry forth into the world the new dawn of evolution! I am sure you have some questions, but don’t worry, everything will be explained. You’re going to be so happy!

Now, the first symptom you may notice is most likely the drowsiness. Because of the energy required, the majority of your body’s calories will be going straight to your new baby. This is nothing to worry about and to make sure everything is hunkie-dorie you will be supplied with a high-calorie sludge that’s sure to tickle your taste-buds!

The second thing you may notice may be an increase in dreams, especially extremely lucid ones. Visions of far off alien worlds and horrible creatures are not uncommon and can in fact be quite fun! It’s like going on a vacation, but without having to leave the comfort of your pod!

The third thing you will definitely notice is the gigantic bulge underneath your skin in your abdomen area. This is due to the extreme growth of the gestating organism living inside you. Again, this is completely normal and is nothing at all to worry about. And don’t worry, the pain will only last for a few days. Followed by an even more excruciating pain. That pain will thankfully stop a fews days later when it eats its way upwards and expunges itself from the top of your head.

You will have plenty of time to get acquainted sharing your body with your new offspring (I say ‘your offspring’, but well, we both know its not completely yours ) , and during this extended period of semi-catatonics you will have time to do a lot of thinking. It’s best if you try not to think about “How did this happen?” or “Why me?” or “What this terrible thing is growing inside me oh god it feels like my insides are on fire,” and instead just focus on the wonderful future in store for your bouncing baby boy (it literally bounces…what an amazing discovery!). Rest assured that in your absence, your offspring will receive nothing but the best of care from an entire team of scientists and technicians.