How to Write a Book Pt. 4
Step 4:
After writing a paragraph, change the book title to closer reflect the direction that paragraph is heading. Bonus points for using the titular line to close the paragraph.
How to Write a Book Pt. 3
Step 3:
Before you have an outline, nay, before you have an idea be sure to sit there coming up with a title that is both hilarious and too long.
How To Write a Book Pt. 2
Step 2:
Open document to begin writing book. Don’t actually write anything and then post about it on your blog instead.
How To Write a Book Pt. 1
The following is the first in the series of how-to’s on writing a book, a subject in which I am a foremost authority.
Step 1:
Spend thirty minutes deciding on what font to use in your document.
Look forward to more helpful tips and updates during this exploratory and no doubt soon to be unfinished experimentation.
Schloptoberfest: Warlock
Warlock
1989
Directed by: Steve Miner
Written By: David Twohy
Genre: Biblical time-traveling magic fights
Checklist
- Time traveling
- Know-it-all Amish
- A kitchen de-fingering
- Posh British accents
- Flying powers as a direct result of eating children
Tagline
He’s come from the past to destroy the future.
What Netflix says happens:
“In 17th century Boston, a warlock (Julian Sands) escapes death and magically leaps 300 years into the future, where he searches in Los Angeles for the three parts of the Devil’s Bible that will unmake the world. Meanwhile, the witch hunter (Richard E. Grant) who brought him to trial — aided by one of the warlock’s victims (Lori Singer) — is in hot pursuit to stop his heartless path of violence and foil his destructive plans.”
What really happens:
An evil warlock in Puritan-era Boston escapes captivity and goes to the future somehow where he tries to find all the pieces of some book that will give him the true name of God (so he can speak it backwards and undo all of creation, of course). He appears in some annoying girls apartment who then attempts to take care of him but instead gets cursed to age twenty years a day. A la Terminator, another time-traveler shows up to stop the previous evil time-traveler and teams up with the girl as they travel across the country chasing the evil warlock. A bunch of crazy stuff happens along the way, the warlock kills a bunch of people and they meet a nice all knowing Mennonite (who also dies) and finally they chase him down and kill him in a cemetery by injecting him with salt-water.
Brief Thoughts:
Aside from the incredibly annoying female lead and her terrible dialogue, this movie is awesome. It’s got some great biblical spell-casting type action, and Julian Sands kills it as the evil warlock. There’s some pretty good death scenes all around and aside from the aforementioned lead, its a generally pretty sweet flick all around. I’d give it a five out of ten on the cheese scale, not terribly cheesy, but there is certainly a lot of really dumb magic bullshit. Two thumbs up!
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